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People are grass

by Greta Russell

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1.
2.
3.
Green tea 03:28
4.
5.
Soft sleep 03:55
6.
A prayer 04:12
7.
Power lines 02:15
8.
9.

about

In 2012, i felt wrong. I hated myself in ways and for reasons i couldn’t begin to articulate to myself. At the time, i was trying to create a tape collage that could serve as a kind of sonic self-portrait: rants about movies i hated, passages read from books, and sketches of songs. I thought that if i could record these stray thoughts and sounds, maybe they would reveal a greater truth. As with most of my ambitions, nothing ever became of it. The tapes sat in a drawer. But they always held an allure for me as my only window into a time and a self i now struggle to recall. A self i have so shamefully resented for being oblivious, for not doing anything to dig myself out. In one especially confused soliloquy (heard briefly on “Come a little closer”), i can hear myself fighting and failing to give voice to how i was feeling, embarrassed to be suffering with no idea why.

In 2020, i have some ideas why. Dysphoria, mental illness, family turmoil. But memory is fickle. And no matter how much i may feel i have finally answered questions that haunted me in 2012, the passage of time has only moved me further from understanding that self. I want to move beyond nostalgia, beyond narrativizing the self, toward an acceptance that there’s no repairing a broken past. I can’t, by the power of reflection, stitch together my tattered history without denying the messy reality. But I can reject language altogether. Reject all those useless words i spoke then and those i might now because they hide more truths than they reveal. I can instead just sit in feeling. Feeling that bursts out of time. Speaks softly and says nothing. I can be kind to the me on these recordings. Reshape, reorder, stretch, break these sounds. Just as time makes feelings of feelings, I can make songs of songs. In a song, we can rest. We can watch the light reflect off of west hickman creek. We can fear and hurt and love and rejoice. In a song, we can be reconciled.

credits

released October 9, 2020

Produced by greta from march to september

Each song is built around tape recordings made by greta in 2012/2013, processing and sampling them. They both do and do not resemble the originals. Same goes for greta.

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all rights reserved

tags

about

maggie Dayton, Ohio

music for flesh and spirit

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